hell

i fucking hate this place

is what i think

as big water breaks

i hate this place

fuck this place

fuck it all

it’s too much

too much

too much

too much

i can’t take it

i can’t keep going

there’s nothing ahead

how am i going to make it

where will i go?

i have nowhere to go

nothing to do

no one to be

a silent scream rises from depths i didn’t even know existed in me

making the pain even more unbearable

accessing a part of me that feels so completely foreign and so completely familiar

it’s too much

all too much

i’m not made for this

i can’t withstand the level of hell burning inside of me

the absolute despair,

the crumbling exhaustion under the weight of existence

under the injustice of a father’s tyranny

the sense that nothing will ever be okay

and the looming presence of an ever-fucked destiny

this

this is what i’ve been living with

in my body

all my life

from the womb

i’ve been living a lie

an imposter

i just never had the space to feel it all

all my life has been about others

how i can fit in

how i can be safe in others’ constructs

how i can be included, invited, welcomed

and now i feel

more than the sadness, the black void, the grieving

i feel rage

red blind rage

fury that this life was sacrificed

i was sacrificed for someone else’s convenience and brokenness

as i cry, i’m taken back to when i was fifteen

but i know, this all existed much earlier than that

and that makes it so much sadder

little girl

you poor thing

scream away

scream all you want

scream until your throat goes hoarse

scream until you can’t

and don’t want to

scream every scream you swallowed to protect yourself

scream it all

life isn’t worth living if you don’t

make life worth living

do it

do it for you

do it for me